2010 and The Runny Poops

It sure has been a while since I graced this blog. At the time of it's creation, I thought I was going to change the internet with my vulgarity, but the only thing I did was bore the shit out of everyone and totally ignore the blog itself. Who's fault might this be? Well first I would like to blame myself, I am a lazy fat fucker with too much time on my hands, and not enough drive in my loins. What's really a shocker is that I love to write shit like this. There is nothing I would rather do than just post over and over again, if only I had the time.

But alas life gets in the way and things you thought you were going to devote yourself to, become something of a wistful fantasy instead of a reality. The point of this whole blog was for me to write, what I used to call, the Poison Pen Journals. Back in High School I would fill notebooks full of things that would bother the shit out of me. My best friend used to think these were priceless words of wisdom and I have since regressed in my commentary of the world around me. A lot of my regression comes from the fact that I rarely converse with the outside world these days. I am normally at home, taking care of my two wonderful kids, and I don't get the chance to get out of the house much.

Does this mean I just sit home all day and do nothing, well not at all, I am a parent now. That takes up A LOT of my free time. There is cleaning, laundry, bathing, lunches, dinners, school, homework and socializing that comes with having children. The bottom line is I have to be there for them, and this takes most of my free time. Yeah, they go to bed at like 9pm and there is plenty of time after they sleep to do stuff, but by then I am tired from the day and usually just veg out in front of the TV or with a good Comic Book. I am a total Geek most days and I freely admit that....

...continued soon

Michael

Chinese Shitocracy!

Do I want to love the new Guns N’ Roses album. Hell yes I do, desperately; however it falls short as a true Guns N’ Roses album. Where is the anger? Where’s the live sounding band that I miss from “Appetite For Destruction”? I don’t expect them to clone Appetite or not grow as a band, but so much of the soul in GNR is gone.

Lets start with the positives on the album. Axls voice is 95% of what it used to be. I was amazed too. He sounds REALLY good on this album. I would have to say as good if not better than on “Use Your Illusions I & II”. It’s no surprise because I am sure this is what held up the album for so long. I imagine take after take of Axl in the studio and lots of auto-tune on his voice. I see him drinking his champagne and smoking his long filtered cigarettes.

The new album suffers from a lack of energy. Appetite was so popular because it was an assault on your ears. The guitars were cranked and they sounded like they were about to explode with you in the room. The vocals were on the edge of cracking every other line and the drummer was beating the living shit out of the drums. The band was a beautiful train wreck that never seemed to crash. I don’t care how Appetite was recorded but to me it sounded like it was recorded in a warehouse in about three days with the band playing live. That’s what made it fucking incredible and so visceral. It’s what made it an album to last the ages.

Chinese Democracy sounds synthetic. Is this due to the fact that over 20 years have passed since Appetite was recorded? Some of it might be that, but I think most of it is the constant work that was being done to the album to “Polish” it up. A true Guns N’ Roses album doesn’t need to be polished, it needs to be dirty and dangerous. Appetite should have come with an anti-bacterial rag to clean your ears after listening to it. The new one seems like I could perform surgery on the disc itself and that’s not what I want from GNR.

So as far as this being a GNR album it’s pretty terrible. All of the critics and listeners out there that think they are going to get that magic again are in for a world of hurt. This is NOT a sequel to Use Your Illusions. This is a totally different band and should have been treated that way. To use the iconic name of Guns N’ Roses on the front of this is Axls way of trying to hold onto the past. He was dead wrong to use the name for this album, but then again he is shit nuts, what do we expect from a crazy fucker like him.

As a stand-alone Axl Rose solo album it’s actually pretty good. It’s very sterile sounding and quite mature if I can use those words next to Axls name. If this would have been advertised as an Axl Rose solo album I think it would have done better. I know it’s going to do okay because it has the GNR logo stamped on the front, but it would have done better in the long run as something from just Axl.

Buckethead is a great guitar player but throughout the album it sounds like he is playing through a guitar POD rather than a live amp that sounds like it’s on the verge of exploding like Slash and Izzy used. This would have helped the sound of the album. This still doesn’t help the overall feel of the album being kind of wimpy. It’s not a bubble gum album, it’s a solid rock album, but the rage is missing. The dark side of society is gone. The seedy under-belly of urban life as a rock band is gone. The old Guns N’ Roses couldn’t have cared less about the rest of the world. They were self-centered assholes who fucked women and didn’t even give them cab fare afterwards. They slept through breakfast, drank their lunches, snorted their dinners, and had multiple women for desert. All of that is missing from this album, which is fine; you have to grow up sometime. But Slash, Izzy, Axl, Duff and Steven never have to grow up. 20 years have passed since that album and Appetite is still alive and kickin’.

Neil Young summed it up nicely and this album falls short of this: Hey, Hey, My, My. Rock and Roll can never die. But on this album, as far as GNR goes, their dead.

Bottom line: If you liked Appetite and didn’t mind Use Your Illusions, then this album is going to suck for you. If you look at this album as Axl putting out a solo record 10+ years after Guns and Roses broke up then it’s a solid B in my book. I’m going to pretend it’s an Axl Rose solo album and just enjoy it for what it is; a half way decent rock and roll album.

Michael

My ball sack is Molting!

A week ago I was taking a piss and I reached into my shorts, compression shorts for all of you keeping track at home, and my penis was fucking molting. This came as a shock to me since the last time I took a piss it seemed just fine. I don't examine my crank on every reveal, but it seemed to be just fine the last time I took a piss. This time however my shaft was peeling and gross looking. I would put up some pictures of my penis and it's molting problem, but my telephoto lens has since broken and if I use a normal lens it might not show up well enough. Some things are just too small for the naked eye or wide angle lens.

After seeing my shaft in such a sorry state I decided to venture out of the house and grab some baby oil. Now baby oil and I have a history together. I used plenty of that stuff in the early years of pubescence. It was a match made in basement heaven. Locking my bedroom door and shuffling off into bliss with a handful of baby oil and a towel at the ready.

This just doesn't happen any longer. The Baby Oil turned from secret pleasure to something needed for medical reasons. Is this a sign of getting older? Surely my ballsack and crank are getting older. I guess they need attention still, it's just in a different manner. God I can't wait to get even older. I wonder what's around the bend for me and my junk.

Michael